3 Answers - (Newest, 6 November 2010)A male
age 41-50, anonymous writes:
Well, I'm wondering what I should do now.
I am in a long-term marriage of over 25 years but for many of those years felt very lonely. My wife and I had drifted very far apart and it seemed like we had very little in common any longer except for the children (two grown and gone and one well along in high school). I would try to find things that we could do together, but was often turned down or it just wasn't very much fun for one of us. For years I had been thinking that I needed to make sure the children were grown first and then would see what to do. I guess I was somewhat old-fashioned that way. I really wanted to be around to raise my children and my sons speak well of how I was involved in their lives when they were growing up. My daughter in high school is completely different and is always critical of me or simply ignores me. Well, two years ago now, I met someone who was separated and she and I hit it off really well. (She had been married over 20 years but her husband had had frequent affairs, been abusive and had spent all their money.) She had two daughters and I really developed a friendship for them as well. We spoke often about all different topics together and it was great to have someone to talk with again. She is a student who is back at community college again working toward a degree and I was able to help her a lot. Even her mother liked me when we met. Our friendship developed over around a year and we talked about a future together but I had to resolve my marriage issue first. After the first year that I knew her, she was contacted again by an old boyfriend and they hit it off together. She told her old boyfriend about me though and that she wanted to stay in touch with me and so we continued to call and meet often at the school, Y or other places. Outside of hugs there was nothing physical though. I found a marriage counseler and went. I tried to get my wife to go with me, but she only went a few times and then refused to go any longer. My relationship with my wife and daughter continued to decrease over the next 9 months and I moved out of the house in July. I continue to go to the marriage counseler and have continued to express an interest to my wife of having her go too, but she still refuses. The marriage counselor knows only the issues with my wife, not the other woman I have had the deep friendship (emotional affair?) with. Well, I certainly had hoped that my relationship with the other woman would strengthen after I left my wife, but she now claims that she loves her old boyfriend. (Remember she has not finalized her divorce yet even though it has been well over 2 years since she left her ex-husband.) She wants to stay friends with me and we still can talk about anything, but she is clear that she is now with this other guy and that we would not be able to talk as often. I have told her how I feel about her and now don't know what to do. My wife still doesn't know anything about the other woman. She still won't visit the marriage counseler either although we have gone on a few dates together. We seem very far apart though on what we want for our futures. I could return to my wife, who says she would like to have me return, but am afraid that our marriage would just turn hollow again. I would like to be with the other woman, and that may happen if she ever broke up with her current boyfriend, but that doesn't seem like much of a plan. The marriage counseler is trying to get me to decide about whether or not to stay in the marriage so that I can move forward one way or another. Right now, I remain in an apartment and although I am lonely, it is very seldom that I'm lonely for my wife. I tend to make friends fairly easily (although not deep ones) and have many superficial friendships with other women. Any advice on what I should do? Return to my wife? Pursue a divorce? Stay separated for the next 6 months or year at least?
View related questions: affair, broke up, divorce, her ex, money, moved out
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A female reader, aunt honesty 
+ ?, writes (6 November 2010):
Hi well am going to start with this other woman, i think you need to let her go, she has made it crystal clear to you that she is involved in someone else and no matter how much this hurts you need to accept this and accept that nothing is going to happen between the both of you i dont even think that it is a good idea for you to still remain friends with her as this will be hard on you if you have strong feelings for her, but if you think you can over come these feelings then maybe you could try and persue a friendship with her but you need to realise that this is all its ever going to be. As for your wife i think that you should remain seperated for the time being anyway, it doesnt sound like you want to be with her and there is no point going back to her because you feel lonely or because things didnt work out with the other woman, it sounds like your marriage has died therefore i think you need to concentrate on your own life now and build up a new life for yourself. A female reader, natasia 
+, writes (6 November 2010):
Oh dear. What a pity that the other woman met that old boyfriend! : ( But at the same time, if she had really really wanted to be with you, she wouldn't haven't fallen prey to the old boyfriend. And if she wanted to be with you now, she would be, I think. No, I think you have to give up on the other woman for the moment. As for your wife, hmm. It is a great pity that you have also had these problems with your daughter, as it turns them into a bit of a team against you. Having said that, your wife does want you back. Although she would appear to be quite undemonstrative in some ways, that is a positive note, that she has said she wants you. You have to ask yourself some hard questions, I think. Eg: - Do you feel more free, happier and more hopeful now that you are on your own? - Do you find the idea of the comfort of going home appealing? - Can you talk to your wife about things changing if you go back? - Were the issues that your daughter had with you fair, do you think? Should you, or she, change? Is there any way you can approach or understand her differently? - Are there any other women you like? I tend to think this: You should give up on the other woman at the moment. You could go back to your wife, with conditions, and with her understanding that should things become hopeless again, you would leave again. You could stay on your own and see what comes along. It depends how much you love your wife, and how free or otherwise you feel without her. I don't feel as if you owe her a huge amount, because the way you present it, you have tried really quite hard to save the marriage, and haven't had so much positive input from her. But now you've gone, she wants you back. She might need to work a little harder at it. I almost think you should tell her about your liking for the other woman, to jolt her into action. But then again, it will upset her, and why do that? It probably isn't worth it. You weren't unfaithful in body, but perhaps in spirit. Good luck with it ... ............................... A female reader, Laura Myer 
+ ?, writes (6 November 2010):
Some people choose to stay in an empty marriage, due to emotional co-dependency or feeling obligated. Learning to be single, and discovering who we are - takes getting used to. But while we are single, we get to discover ourselves again through the opposite sex. They take us on many experiences. Some are great, some not so great until we learn how to navigate our way around with them. But rarely do we regret it. At the end of your life - what will you be thinking if you chose a. or b.? If you stay with your wife, (out of co-dependency or because it reduces some loneliness) - will you be thinking.... gee I wish I allowed myself to experience women alot more? Or will you be pleased that you stayed? Many people that are married put on a facade and act as though they are happy. But this is just to please society as well as friends and family. Society regards it as the 'right thing to do'. Yet sometimes we need to be a rebel and say 'to hell with it - this is my life and I must find what suits me now'. I'm sure you've provided as a father and done your job as a parent. Is it now time for you? I lost a few friends when I separated. But I realised they were friends who's love was conditional - that I did what appeared to be right in the eyes of society. I then became a rebel and said 'to hell with everyone! I'm going to have some fun!' People eventually respected me and I sought more open minded people to befriend. You must listen to your heart. No one can tell you really. ............................... All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft
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